The 4 Words that Erase Disappointment
I started going to a non-violent communication practice group several years ago when I started working with my therapist. As a self-identified (recovering) perfectionist, it put me on the path to learning how to be a little kinder to myself. One of the most profound things I learned was how to express my disappointment. It may sound a little strange, but a small shift in my language had such a ripple effect on how I felt and I still use it to this day.
The trick: I end whatever disappointment with "as I would like." I find that it is a much more realistic, and gentle way of expressing it. It reminds me that it wasn't a total loss and I still positively contributed to whatever it was I was doing. For example, when someone asks how my presentation at work went I can say, "I was unprepared for some of their questions and I didn’t feel confident when I left" or, with this strategy, I could say "I wasn't as prepared for some of their questions as I would have liked" or "I didn't feel as confident as I would have liked".
This simple practice helps me take ownership of what I did- both the good and the bad of the situation- and what I value. Intellectually, I understood that I contributed positively to situations but it's taken more practice for me to see the good I brought to situations that didn't end in the result I wanted. Like you, I'm prone to misunderstandings and slips of the tongue. It doesn't mean I don't value speaking kindly to my friends, but I now say, "I wasn't as kind as I would like" and I find that it has actually made me more aware to rephrase the next time.
I use this with clients a lot. There's a tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater- we either measure up to our goals or we don't (I do this too). The reality is probably somewhere in the middle and this can be a powerful lens to see it differently. I simply acknowledge that their plan didn't go as well as they would have liked and yet they tried (and probably have some more information with which they can be more successful moving forward). When I am able to help someone- myself included- see that they weren't as far off as they had feared, they are more likely to move forward instead of continuing to replay the loss. This is a mental game changer and will get you back into the drivers seat fast.
I want to hear from you, what are some ways you could use this "as I would like" phrase to soften some of the ways you talk to yourself?
