How You Should be "Using Your Body" to Get the Guy.

I was having a conversation with a client this week that was really interesting.

She was feeling the tension of the desire of a guy she was on a date with and it was really uncomfortable for her.

It’s so easy, as women, to tell the story “men only want one thing”. 

We all have had experiences with men that have left us feeling icky (or at least unsafe) as a woman. 

We can feel his lust and it feels as though we would be defenseless if it were unleashed in our direction. 

I think it’s safe to say no one enjoys the feeling of being powerless and vulnerable. 

For many of us this is actually a generational wounding that may not have even been from our direct experience but we know- in our bones- that danger is near. 

It’s painful and overwhelms our system so we close our hearts, we close our bodies and in effect, most often we decide to dim our light so we don’t recreate these experiences. 

You may fawn around men to manipulate them or seduce them so you feel you have the upper hand, energetically, or carry extra weight so you don’t have to be the object of that kind of attention (sexual abuse is far more common underlying cause of extreme obesity than anyone would be comfortable knowing).

It seems like the easier option to skip the experience altogether. 

What I’ve learned is that this doesn’t work.

You feeling unhappy and even more unsafe only leads to needing to control, contort, contract...

Not helpful for anyone. 

But what if men really want to protect you. 

What if, by and large, they are good guys that- if you could see them that way- would be honored to know you feel safe and happy?

This isn’t to minimize the effects of actual bad men (if you’ve experienced them, I am so sorry). 

And yet it’s our job as adults- and as women- to create the environment we desire and part of that will require our learning to see men differently. 

It’s actually the fastest route to your happiness. 

What I mean is creativity requires safety. 

Biologically, the part of your brain that creates, plays, experiences joy, etc. isn’t even online if you’re always on guard. 

This is going to make dating feel awkward and like a waste of time (ask me how I know 😉).

If you feel unsafe most of the time, try noticing when men are trying to protect you. 

The man at the park that stops his dog from jumping on you, the car that stops to let you cross the street, the man who simply smiles at you kindly....

What if these are ways he’s trying to create safety for you? 

(Even if you’re skeptical, how would it *feel* different if this were true)

Do you notice a shift in your body? 

You see, your body and your mind work in tandem. 

Your neurochemistry is dictated by your thoughts and your thoughts are informed by the signals your whole body gathers. 

All that to say, when your body feels safe, you can think more pleasant thoughts and create different outcomes. 

And when you’re thinking more pleasant thoughts your body sends out different hormones, as if you’re retraining your body from the inside out. 

From the paradigm of ‘men are likely trying to keep you safe and happy’, your body can relax.

Men are surprisingly sensitive to how a woman carries tension.

If you allow yourself to relax enough, it will actually register to a man that he could act on your behalf and not be received as a threat himself and the odds go up that he will act in a way you can feel safe with. 

The way you need to be using your body to get the man is by sharing with him what you’re experiencing. 

Invite him into your experience.
(This doesn’t mean you have to share your deepest fears with a stranger, although “wow” if you choose to try that.)
If you feel uncomfortable, verbalize that. 

Allow him the opportunity to help you, support you, make you more comfortable, etc. 

If you feel happy, why not share that with him? Especially if it’s a result of something he did. 

Don’t hold back the smile, the laugh, the glimmer in your eyes when you talk about something that excites you…

This actually does something to a man that triggers a deeper level of attraction than lust. 

It fires good neurochemicals for him when he is of service for a higher good. 

This is biological for men.

He may not even be consciously aware of it but he will feel seen and valued. 

And when a man feels seen and valued for what he contributes- that’s game over for him. 

It’s what I would imagine he would feel when advancing a level in a video game.

It creates an invitation to keep playing.

The more data we can collect from our bodies- which is why I help women with tools to practice being “in” their body- the more easily we will know what to tell a man. 

This doesn’t have to be complicated, you can tell a man you feel cold or hungry or need to stop for a break and just notice what he does. 

I’m willing to put money on the fact that he will appreciate the opportunity to care for you. 

The masculine is always in support of the feminine. 

This is like the post on IG that I encouraged you to start looking for ways men are trying to give to you and see how they show up differently.

Men- as a general rule- LOVE to see a woman that is happy. 

They are wired to need what we provide for them- calmness, presence, warmth- the very things we tend to withhold when we don’t trust his intentions. 

Can you see how this vicious cycle isn’t serving you? 

Men, in my experience, are starved for intimacy… they do so much but they don’t speak with each other the way we can connect with them.

I would imagine that knowing a woman’s body feels calm in their presence is one of the best feelings to a man.

From this space, you can bond… laugh, connect, share… the things you’re looking for on a date.

If you want some help “using your body” the right way, let’s set up some time to connect.