Why Even the Most Powerful Women Feel Anxious in Dating
Most women who are into personal development don’t consciously dismiss their own needs.
In fact, they are usually very self-aware of their inner landscape, often having done a lot of healing and trauma work, and are committed to honoring their needs more.
But it’s quite possible for her to still find it difficult to advocate for her own needs and so they go unmet.
There seems to be a disconnect- a short circuit- between her discoveries and allowing them to propel her forward in real-time.
Specifically in 1-2 specific areas of her life (ie a happy relationship, a thriving career, her body, etc) that keep her from experiencing the bliss she is after.
When a woman's “short circuit” plays out in her love life, she feels terrified.
For a woman to be “successful” in dating- to find a good fit for her- she must learn to keep her heart open, and to do this she needs to honor her needs above all else.
This is where her boundaries are needed.
But what often happens is that she unknowingly will set boundaries in a way that actually keep her heart closed (“I only date men that meet my standards”- but they aren’t in line for her) or wide open (“Everyone deserves a second chance”- while giving more than 1 “second chance”).
She will present as open and feminine and yet struggle with anxiety when they’re not together because her inner child is always looking for something that could be a sign that she can’t have what she most deeply wants.
What she needs, in order to release the anxiety is to allow herself to experience the anxiety, zoom in on it even, and open her heart *there*.
To open her heart to herself at any moment requires full (or more) permission to experience the feelings she has, the stories she’s telling, and the outcome she most longs for.
Because this isn’t a problem to solve but an experience to have, all she “needs to do” is turn inward with that love and warmth she is so generous with toward others.
This isn’t the obvious answer to her because she has done so much work on her trauma she may not realize it is still there.
But what I have found to be the case is the reason she has anxiety in the first place often comes down to how she relates to the child version of herself that is within.
She doesn’t need to talk about her trauma anymore; she needs to release it.
This requires her to experience the physical sensations that come up when she has tried to let go in the past.
Often they feel so familiar and yet are often tucked just outside of her conscious awareness (heat in her cheeks, racing heart, sweaty palms, chills, etc).
Each time she is triggered, instead of experiencing these sensations, she reaches out for comfort from them, afraid they may consume her.
And the reason she numbs is often that the response she’s experienced for expressing that need was too painful for her nervous system to bear- creating a short in the circuit.
Over the years, the short circuit (that feels like ‘numb’) veiled the need so she wasn’t aware it was something that would even be up for discussion.
It has never felt safe.
The need she’s been hiding is usually one that is so fundamental to human development and happiness that each time she tries to enter intimacy, it is inevitably bumped into, starting the anxiety cascade in her whole body.
Needs like feeling safe, seen, accepted, wanted, adored have been associated with such pain that even when a man is trying to give them to her, she doesn’t readily know how to accept them.
If she can’t recognize his efforts and accept his offer to provide these, he will feel confused and likely move on to a girl that is more willing to receive these (as women, we think she must be “easy” and are hurt and confused by his choice).
But when she becomes aware of this pattern she can do something with that awareness!
What she needs is healthy, empowered, Masculine Energy.
Specifically her own.
(*This is shared with permission*)
The other day, I was working with a woman who was experiencing such intense anxiety around the way a connection was unfolding.
It is new, in the first few months- the time when the child is most likely to run the show.
The story she was hearing- based on a lifetime of experiences- was not allowing her to feel calm enough to see clearly (normally she is so beautifully warm and open-hearted but she was frozen with fear).
She was trapped at the edge of her comfort zone.
The way forward wasn’t visible because it was hazy with judgment so we had to stand still.
To regroup.
I teach women how to open her heart in the middle of that anxiety- to me this means softening the parts of her body that are tense until they feel calm and safe enough to relax.
When her body is able to relax, her intuition (the adult version of her feminine energy) comes back online.
This wasn’t a new concept to her but the practice of it was a game-changer (this is why it can be so powerful to have a coach in moments when you are too far in the trigger to lead yourself) and I was honored to help.
As she turned toward her anxiety, feeling the sensations and tension, she could see her inner child.
This usually feels like watching the child squirming in discomfort, writhing in pain, sobbing full-body tears, needing something.
To stand still in *this* moment feels so uncomfortable, not because of the child you’re witnessing, but most often because of the resistance you have to her.
Yet what she’s looking for is to have her experience and her needs validated.
To feel as though her request is legitimate and not falling on deaf ears.
When I suggested we give the child 100% permission to feel afraid of the story she was telling, the child calmed down.
She felt seen.
And when the child felt seen by her empowered masculine, she was willing to release some of the tension and fear she was holding onto.
This is a really good sign!
This cleared her view of the situation enough to see something new.
A new perspective she hadn’t considered.
And this allowed her to feel even less fear.
Suddenly, the real fear came bubbling up to the surface.
“I don’t want to be left all alone!’ the child screamed.
And there it was, the fear was fully exposed.
She needed comfort, safety, and reassurance.
I had her hold this “child” and give her 100% permission to feel all the fear.
This allows that emotion to be dispersed throughout an adult body instead of being bottled up.
With that, the child felt accepted (and to the feminine, emotional acceptance= physical safety), and let her adult self have all the fear she’d been clinging to.
The whole scene shifted rapidly from there.
Reconnecting the inner child and her masculine energy had released the anxiety that was swirling in her body.
Her adult operating system- the Empowered Feminine- was back online and she knew intuitively how to move forward again.
She was able to put into words (for herself) what she really needed and she was able to show up in the energy of the empowered woman that she is.
And as a result, she brought more safety than tension to the table and they were able to reveal more of themselves organically.
I’ve found that treating even the most “irrational” stories we tell ourselves with 100% legitimacy is enough to bring the rational part of ourselves back from a triggering experience.
We are all human and intimacy is something we continue to learn.
The more we experience, the more important it is to learn how to create and receive this type of support.
This is counterintuitive and this is my specialty.
I teach more about engaging the empowered Masculine energy- the part of you that is capable of patient support- in my program Arise.
The information is organized as follows:
Module 1: A brief intro to Masculine and Feminine energies in creating healthy relationship dynamics. Gain awareness around how your thoughts and emotions have been shaping your current experience with life, work, relationships, and romance.
Module 2: Learning to trust yourself again by shifting your relationship with the “parts” of yourself that will help you feel simultaneously more stable and expansive.
Begin identifying the voices of wounds within yourself and others. When you learn to listen for red flags, you gain discernment which prevents unnecessary reinjury and builds trust in your ability to intuitively respond to any situation.
Module 3: The key to feeling stable regardless of the situation is the awareness of “what’s happening” internally- developing moment-by-moment intimacy- so you are emotionally available to experiences you previously were not aware of.
Understanding the core drivers of the Masculine and the Feminine and the ways we cripple each of them internally so you can leverage their natural gifts to support your healing.
Gain insight around where your “bags” got packed and begin creating supportive practices to release strong emotions and beliefs based in trauma to return to tenderness safely.
Module 4: Knowing how to recognize and attract healthy partners is the key to creating the life you desire most. Learn how to move through the world in a way that brings out the best in both you and others so your dreams become a collaborative effort instead of a constant hustle. This starts with creating an empowering partnership with your own Masculine and Feminine energy by honoring the natural needs/expression of each in a way that supports your highest version of yourself.
Bonus: Understanding how the Feminine expresses also takes into account what is “unique to the Feminine” (as women, we judge ourselves for anything that jeopardizes our safety- the same things that make us unique). My hope is, by knowing more about what is distinctly feminine, you can release more self-judgment and reveal more of your authenticity. When a woman is able to use her most authentic voice to ask for her needs to be met, create supportive boundaries *for her greatest joy*, and provide even deeper healing, she navigates new relationships with more confidence and ease.
The women that create the best results from this are highly empathetic and often experience intense anxiety when dating or beginning new relationships.
They have often done a lot of healing work, and often are experts in helping other people in relationships, but find themselves continuing to feel stuck in the same experiences or fears.
They know they are capable of much more but have a hard time ‘staying the course’ to bigger levels of “success” and instead, they continue choosing “safe” relationships (guys they aren’t actually attracted to, jobs they’re overqualified for, or not putting their creations out in the world) out of fear of rejection.
They are the go-to support person to their friends and family and are generous with their time, resources, and energy and secretly long for that to be reciprocated but haven’t found a way to ask that feels good to them.
This program is available in self-study (low 3-figure) and 1:1 format (starting tomorrow)! If this feels like a good fit, email me (cschandnutrition@gmail.com) to get started!
Love,
Courtney
