What to do to know if *he's capable* of hearing you
“Is he actually capable of hearing you?”
Men are amazing and they each have differing levels of skill when it comes to their emotional intelligence.
A common experience I see in clients is taking personally the fact that she doesn’t feel heard (usually this is a life-long relational pattern for her that started when she was very young).
She will look inward trying to master her ability to express what she needs “more femininely” or “more effectively” so she can get what she needs from the man in front of her. And yet, sometimes, the work isn’t hers to do.
As long as she’s turned against herself, looking for ways to contort herself hoping for a different outcome, she won’t be able to discern if it’s “her” work or “his”.
To shift her out of this unhelpful level of self-exploration, I simply ask, “do you believe he is capable of hearing you?” and her face/body language will say it all.
She *knows*.
She may not want to admit it to herself because she is afraid that knowledge means she needs to end the relationship. But her body knows.
Without this honesty, she is only keeping herself stuck by focusing on fixing herself when she needs to use that energy to fix the dynamic.
She has three options in this moment: to stay, to go, or to stay and apply the new (honest) awareness she has to play a different game (not literally game playing). She gets to engage the situation differently which sets the stage for a different outcome.
If she were to trust her inner knowing that he may have some skills deficits, she can use the energy she would’ve spent trying to fix herself to listen to herself even more deeply. This is subtle but the difference is there.
Since she’s turning inward with compassion, not blame she actually frees her inner world to bring the unmet need to the surface instead of burying it further under what’s logical and polished and what she feels worthy of.
As she holds this fragile need in her own loving awareness she will be presented with ways to support it herself. (And sometimes tears for the pain of not being met are the best first step)
Energetically, she is turning her masculine energy from attacking him toward supporting her and her man will feel the shift.
This is what creates a space for him to reflect (and in my experience empowered men will do this) and begin shifting his own approach.
Meanwhile, because she’s deeply listening to her own emotions, she’s naturally sorting through the “needs” (some of them will be childlike needs to be right or have it her way) until she has a clear sense of what needs to shift in order to keep her heart open.
She will know she’s found it because her heart will physically feel like it expands when she imagines this need being met and, because she’s not in judgement of it, she will know the outcome isn’t about her.
This process takes her from leaning toward him (crowding the space he needs to reflect and grow) to finding her center- the point where she is fully supported in her own energetic bubble.
This is where she will communicate what she’s discovered and, because there is mutual space and centeredness, it will land not as a demand but as an invitation.
The man she’s with has the space to choose whether he can step up or self-select out of the role.
*This* is the information she’s deeply desiring to know.
Because she has her own back and feels solid having met the need to be heard herself, this need isn’t unconsciously driving her toward him, and she has a more stable point of view of this man's next behavior.
This doesn’t mean she will get what she needs but she will be able to clearly discern if his efforts are lining up with that need being met more consistently or if she needs to move on.
At which point, she will be able to share the responsibility of supporting her heart again.
This is a skill that is helpful in the early stages of dating as well as when the relationship progresses because it enhances her discernment muscle and keeps her tuned into her own needs.
I’m curious. Have you ever found yourself in a situation like this? I’d love to hear how you handled it and if you’d do anything differently if it were to happen again.
If you’d like to learn how to “hear” your own emotions (to get some space from them without dismissing or avoiding them) so you can get clear on what you’re needing, I have several resources that would be helpful:
Arise: the Art of Empowering Relationships. This is the basis of healthy energy dynamics that every woman needs to understand to show up as the healthiest version of herself to her relationships.
How to set boundaries like a queen. This is a free resource that guides you step by step through hearing yourself deeply and feeling solid about setting boundaries in intimate connections.
How to speak so he can “hear” you. This free training is for you if you’ve been trying to speak “more femininely” and still feeling as though your man can’t hear you. This is a straightforward approach to communicating in a way he can hear so you can see what he is willing/able to do with the information you provide.
I have space available this month if you’re looking for additional 1:1 support to strengthen your discernment muscle. Navigating this situation can be challenging and it helps to have someone committed to letting you feel heard so you have the clarity you need to make empowered decisions.
