Find Him Faster!

I grew up thinking dating was a list of things someone needed to cross off before you got married and had kids… You know- the right physical build, job, car and a house in a good part of town. 

These things are important and they can muddy the waters when it comes to dating. 

What I was finding when I started dating… was plenty of people with these things. 

And that was it. 

We may date for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two and then they would fizzle. 

It was so painfully frustrating.

I was convinced there was something deeply undesirable… that I could never have a lasting love I’d dreamed of.

I was working with therapist, watching every dating coach on the web, and doing a deep dive into my psychology and disecting my family of origin.

All of these things were probably good, healthy things but they weren’t actually helping my repeated heartbreak.

The problem wasn’t me (well, it’s always me, but not in the sense that I thought) there just wasn’t a substantial connection to keep the flame burning. 

It was a superficial connection at best. 

It wasn’t until I learned the actions and behaviors that build connection, that I was able to see some shifts.

I kept thinking I needed to have these deep heart felt conversations with men, and the one I was forgetting to have a heart to heart with was myself.

If I were really honest, it wasn’t the way I wanted to feel if any of those dates would have moved into a more committed relationship and that’s when I started to come at this situation from another angle.

The path I hadn’t been taking. 

I started with the idea of how I wanted to feel with My Person. 

I wanted to feel seen, and heard, interesting... and interested.

I wanted to feel beautiful and desirable and like I would love to sit across from them in silence or enjoying a yummy meal. 

I wanted to feel secure and unquestioning of how he feels about me, no longer having to watch Youtube videos to learn how to read between the lines, or “decode” common male behavior… like ugh, c’mon, we’re so over that, right ladies??

And you know what happened? 

I went on fewer dates. 

wah wah.

No, what I mean is, instead of going on date #5 and still trying to get this person to like me, I could tell after date #2 that I didn’t feel these ways and I lost interest. 

Yep, you read that right…. I lost interest. 

I wasn’t pining anymore, I was in charge! 

It became so much clearer. 

It wasn’t that they “are a nice person” and I needed to “continue to give them a shot”, of course they were a nice person and I was able to sort faster- because I’m a nice person and my time is valuable. 

Maybe you’re thinking, “how selfish”.

I hear you, it’s ok, I get it, it felt like foreign territory for me too. 

To expect to feel good in connection with men felt like a long shot.

It didn’t happen over night, it actually happened in baby steps.

Using a specific set of tools, I developed new skills- how to be more masterful in my conversations so I could feel seen and heart, interesting and interested.

And the redemptive moment is that it’s not just about how I want to feel- in case that’s still feeling ickily self-centered, it’s also who I’m becoming in the mean time. 

Dating also taught me major lessons about myself. 

Like how I struggled to graciously receive from men. 

Or how I would feel so anxious when there was a lull in conversation. 

I wanted to fill the gaps and be extra helpful, even when I wasn’t asked. 

These behaviors weren’t only not feminine, but they weren’t flattering either. 

The fact that I walked away from each interaction having been fully present, practicing my tools and having received insight from each suitor, meant I could leave the interactions individually. 

Single dates, single interactions, instead of cumulative “what ifs” or guilt trips that dating had previously been for me.

Do they sometimes fade away without calling after the first date?

Yeah.

Sadly, that still happens.

And sometimes I felt like we were really clicking.

But now, I have a way to deal with it that doesn’t leave me collapsed on my bed totally numb.

If this sound like something you’d like some help with, I would be thrilled to guide you from pining to powerful in your dating life.

There are simple tools you can use in any situation to make shifts from the inside out and the outside in and get dramatic results.

Schedule time for a 15 minute chat with me about what’s happening… or not happening… and I’d love to help you reclaim your love life and find him faster.