Is Mothering about Giving or Receiving? Or both!

Today is Mothers Day.

But this isn't really about being a mom or about interacting with children - so no worries if you’re not a mom- this is about the gift of receiving.

I just had an experience with a child that I may remember for the rest of my life.

There's a corner near the hardware store where people sit to ask exiting cars for money.

I noticed, as I was leaving, a woman holding a sign with two children beside her.

I always feel a twinge of guilt mixed with judgmental/sometimes curious stories when I see people there, especially when they have kids.

One of the children, a boy about 10 years old came up to my passenger window and I felt my defenses going up.

I judged the woman for letting her children go up to cars, and I was anticipating the terrible feeling of having to say, "no" to this child.

I rolled down my window to speak with him and I instantly thought of the coronavirus.

All the thoughts in my head swirling a million miles a minute.

I told him I didn't have any cash and I was surprised he didn't look disappointed, part of me expected him to look upset but his face looked soft.

He said, quietly, "yeah, but can you take this" and held up a 3x5 index card with "happy mothers day" written on it.

I pushed the virus thoughts aside and felt my body soften.

He slid it through the window as I reached out my hand and said "thank you" and he looked back at his mom with a big smile.

I looked at her and she looked so proud of him.

And he looked proud of himself.

I pulled away and felt my eyes well up with tears.

What I realized is that the gift, often, is in the giving.

We grow up hearing that it’s “better to give than receive”, but you can’t give if someone’s not willing to receive.

This is so powerful for kids especially- to feel like their efforts make us happy.

Truthfully, we may never outgrow the human need to feel like we’re contributing to someone else’s happiness.

You know how good it feels to give someone something you did/made and see how it brightens their day.

There's no better feeling- you feel needed, valued, seen, and important.

How do you do on the other side of that equation?

I can imagine as a mom, someone always needs something from you.

I don't have children but I hear from enough clients that this is a challenge to balance.

It's easy for interactions to begin to feel transactional.

When it comes to relating to your partner, boss, friend, coworker… it adds an extra layer of challenge.

You see giving, nurturing, organizing, providing- these are all masculine energy qualities.

They are necessary to be a mother and yet they are only half the puzzle.

Sometimes the greatest gift is simply to graciously receive.

There's something so human and tender about simply receiving.

And yet, if you're like me, we don't consciously do it as often as we could.

It requires us to be feel vulnerable.

As vulnerable as a child in need of shelter.

This may feel unnatural, but receiving is actually a woman’s gift.

Feminine softness gracing the moment.

It is wired into our DNA and yet it is a struggle for so many women.

This shows up for us when you notice your man pulling away or your children not behaving "correctly".

This isn't to blame anyone, but to start a new dialog.

Maybe it's not that they need to give more or you need to give more- perhaps it's you need to receive more.

What you teach your children is that their offerings are valuable.

You teach your partner that you accept them as they are.

You teach your coworkers that you value their efforts.

And you teach yourself that you are worthy of love that didn’t require anything from you.

We can't all be giving all the time.

That's like only taking in-breaths.

And, Marisa Peer says, you also can't only take out-breaths.

Breathing and connecting require both.

A give and a take.

If you're burned out, feeling frazzled, angry and just wanting your kids or your man to "do better" for you, I encourage you to look for where you can receive.

Your cup is meant to be filled by the relationships in our lives, not drained.

A brilliant artist/coach friend of mine, Katja Majer, once challenged me when I was feeling drained and unmotivated, to "look for ways that everything around you is trying to give to you and allow your cup to be refilled."

Receive the warmth from the sunshine.

Receive the beauty from the flowers in the garden, show them gratitude by letting them make you smile.

Receive support from the couch or the soft bed.

If you have a partner or children, acknowledge the ways they are bringing you things- conversation, humor, finger painting, stories about their day.

If you live alone, or feel alone during quarantine, practice receiving from people in the service industry (baggers at the grocery, cashiers, bank tellers, wait staff, etc).

Think about whatever they are doing as a gift to your soul.

Allow it in as if they handed you a thousand dollars.

Envision it as a waterwheel, slowly trickling into your cup until it does feel a little more full.

Yes it's "their job" and yet you may be surprised how much better the interaction goes when you allow yourself to receive.

The stories we have been telling may have been keeping us from receiving from everything around us.

But how rich would life feel if we could see it differently?

How do we show up differently when we feel like our cup is full?

And what are we communicating to our children about their worth when we simply receive them?

Let me know how things shift when you practice this subtle change.