Where Did You Learn About Relationships?

Have you ever stopped to think where your model of a relationship is coming from?

Maybe there was a #couplegoal you saw on TV growing up or your parents seemed to have a blissful marriage… or possibly you wanted the TV version because your parents didn’t have a blissful marriage.

All of this influences how we show up and what we believe is “for us” in relationships as adults.

Relationships can be calm and peaceful… or they can be filled with “passion”, boisterous conversations, and a lot of together time.

The truth is you get to choose.

And it’s not to say there’s one “right way” a relationship should look, but what I do know is there is a way it should *feel*.

And this is the most important part.

Because if the relationship doesn’t feel like you’re able to be *more* of yourself as a result of being in it, it will be full of anxiety, resentment, and loneliness.

What I’ve learned in studying the nervous system and family constellation theory (among other relationship theories) is that what seems normal isn’t always healthy.

This goes both ways- what seems normative in the culture isn’t always healthy (i.e. Friends, Sex and the City, and New Girl are likable characters that aren’t modeling healthy relationships).

And what seems normal *to you* isn’t always healthy (i.e. we watch the way our parents' relationship with each other and the world and absorb all this information to create our levels of tolerance that will later become the blueprint to engage in the world- making it easier or more difficult to set the boundaries we need to thrive).

This is why self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools available.

In my experience, there are specific situations that- due to our fight or flight response- are triggering for us but do nothing for someone else.

This is because your triggers are completely personal to you, they come from your experiences and interpretation.

And, contrary to popular belief, I don’t think it’s necessary to unwind every trigger.

Sometimes they are there as part of your growth to keep nudging you away from the things that will never feel safe for your nervous system.

However, if you are wanting to turn down the fight/flight response in order to move forward- toward a goal or a new situation- there are some tools that help with that.

One is a body-based tool like EFT tapping that allows you to turn down the central nervous system’s response so you can consciously choose what to do with the new information.

And the other is the family constellation theory.

I was watching Sex, Love, and Goop on Netflix last night (if you want to see what I’m talking about, check it out) and loved seeing this modality on mainstream media.

By going back and witnessing previous generations of relationships, the pattern becomes very evident to see where you inherited it.

Often all the books and training on relationship skills (communication, boundaries, love languages, etc) will stay intellectualized until you realize, with compassion, where you learned the opposite.

This trauma is stored deeper than the intellect.

It is a felt experience in the body and would be overwhelming to process all at once.

This is the benefit of using tools like EFT or constellations because the information you need to access is *felt*, allowing the boundaries to become more obvious to set.

In my experience, the secret sauce is self-acceptance.

When we are able to accept ourselves- the experiences that shaped our responses and the way we instinctively respond to situations- it unlocks a different way of being… our true self.

When our true self is allowed to lead, we naturally know the next right step- and trust it.

Without all the ways we’ve learned to behave in order to find connection, intimacy with yourself and others is simple.

There is less static, white noise.

It doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it does become radically simpler.

This is what it means to facilitate deep, energetic healing.

Relationship patterns like codependency- overly focusing on others to our own detriment (this can look like overspending, underearning, and over/under eating, not just enabling the bad behavior around you by sacrificing your needs) can be inherited in the same way you inherit eye color.

Research has shown that trauma impacts our bodies on a cellular level, passing down the new information biologically according to the LifeCourse Model I learned in graduate school.

This is reinforced with the way caregivers engage with the world and sets up that child to do the same.

Until the pattern is acknowledged and compassionately healed or changed, this will be the path of least resistance people take.

(This isn’t to blame families but to offer awareness so a new story can be intentionally created).

This new story, in action, is what will create the transformation of generational trauma and allow for healthy relationships moving forward.

This is counterintuitive and it is my specialty (this works well both nutritionally and in romantic relationships).

I have 1:1 spots available for men and women to facilitate this deeper level of letting go of old patterns that keep you stuck in a cycle that doesn’t feel good.

I also have incorporated much of this type of information in my transformational healthy body image program, Nourished.

(If you want to check out my free mini-series, to sample this information, leave your email below and I will be happy to send it to you!)

My hope is to state shifting your mindset and starting healthy actions to support your New Year’s Resolutions by understanding the underlying relationships you’ve had that are keeping your nervous system on high alert (even when you’re doing healthy things like working out or eating nutritious foods).

When you are able to approach the daily tasks required to meet a big goal with less fight/flight from your nervous system, eating really does become more intuitive and your body will begin to regulate itself, in my experience.

I’m happy to send you a free mini-series to help you get clear on where your eating patterns came from- simply let me know where to send it and I’ll take it from there.
If you’re interested in working together more intensively, I’d be honored to guide you if it is a good fit. Email (CSchandNutrition@gmail.com) me and share a bit about what you’re experiencing, and I’ll share my thoughts and next steps if I can help.