You can stop fighting in your relationship with this tool

You and your (potential) partner are co-creating a level of connection that allows you to explore more of yourself and the other with safety. 

Relationships are, in many ways, a collaborative effort to keep moving into more intimacy and expression.

If that isn’t happening, it could be that you are operating from a habitual pattern that is keeping you from maturing emotionally. (Note: It’s likely both of you are, but knowing what they may be reacting to in *your* delivery can be just as important to knowing when you’re just not a match).  

For example, I had a conversation the other day with a woman about not wanting to lose herself in a relationship.

(My clients tend to have 1 of 2 flavors when they are becoming aware of this fear).

In one instance, in order to prevent swallowing her truth, she will *push* it out or in the other common situation, she will limit her experiences to prevent having to do this- this often looks like staying busy with work, friends, fitness (all of these are great) in order to stay out of deeper intimacy.

In this way, both options keep a woman from experiencing the healing power of genuine intimacy.

If you’re not able to co-create more intimacy, the block we need to look for is in your masculine energy. Many teachers will facilitate you looking at your feminine energy but that can leave you feeling as though there is always more to uncover. 

As I teach it, it is the job of the masculine energy to provide and protect the vulnerabilities that exist within. 

Depending on how a woman is presenting, she may not be experiencing enough support on the inside to allow her to soften her interactions with others on the outside. 

The best explanation of this came from Naomi Thompson, she said to think of it like a peach- soft and sweet on the outside and firm on the inside- instead of an egg which is fragile on the outside and leaks out if it is injured.

While it seems like the expressive option would be the most empowered, that’s not *always* the case. 

I find it takes some finesse to allow it to support deeper intimacy (it often seems to have the opposite impact she hopes for).

That’s because both of these women’s experiences are asking to feel deeply seen, starting with how she sees herself. 

When a woman is disconnected from (or, more likely, has not been consciously introduced) her masculine energy, it will be more difficult for her to have an accurate level of self-awareness, tempered by compassion that comes from integrating her heart and mind. 

She will tend to see herself harshly which is what has her appear timid in relationships or feel the need to lead so she does not have to expose her heart.

In both cases, her heart feels unprotected. 

The way she has been taught to keep herself feeling safe (will often be playing out in her oldest relationships) will be by recreating an experience that feels familiar to her. 

What she needs is to observe her typical patterns- how they end up.

This will give her the information she needs to answer the question, “what does she feel when the pattern plays out unchanged?”

If she is operating from an old pattern, it’s likely that there will be a sense of relief or stability she experiences followed by a sense of fantasy- dreaming of something she really wants (to be loved unconditionally, able to be heard, feeling cherished without having to change anything about her, etc). 

This is also helpful insight. 

She needs to understand what she’s creating and what she most wants to understand why she’s doing it. 

For a woman to allow someone close to her, she knows she is risking feeling a number of things: hurt, betrayal, disappointment, dependence, etc. and she often has very legitimate proof that she does not like these experiences. 

What she needs to experience is the feeling of being seen- first by herself- and then from the point of view of her deeper needs. 

For example, if she is wanting her partner to understand her experience and feel validated, she will first have to look at this part of herself with tenderness. 

She must become intimately acquainted with this part of her and gather the information it is trying to provide by speaking the way she does (firmly or not at all). 

If she is longing for tenderness but skips this step if she speaks firmly, her partner may not feel invited to step in with tenderness- reinforcing her need to demand- or they may not step toward her at all, leaving her feeling like she is asking “too much”.  

It is possible to unwind this defensive posture by working backward in her pattern- what she gets from it currently→ is the need that has been covering→ the way her body feels when that need is activated (usually this triggers her to behave in the opposite way that would get the need met) → and finally the most opportune time to ask for the need to be met (hint: usually before the cycle starts, when it’s calm and neutral, there’s a moment where the connection would have been optimal for both parties).

Even as she is curiously unwinding this pattern, she is naturally rewriting the outcome. 

This is the power of increasing awareness and support by engaging your own masculine energy. It is counterintuitive feminine energy women and yet it is my specialty. I have an entire course designed to help you unwind the most common patterns you experience from dating to relationship so you can approach each moment with more calm, serenity and less anxiety. 

If this is what you are looking for, email me (cschandnutrition@gmail.com) “ARISE”. I have 3 spots remaining this month to guide women through this one month intensive to help them identify red flags and green flags (so you can stop second guessing yourself), understand where the boundaries need to go so you can feel more relaxed and secure (as you open your heart to receive the love you desire), and identify healthy habits of masculine energy partners that would be supportive of this practice and want deep connection.