Arise; How to Reduce Anxiety While Dating
I have a transformational program for women that desire a greater feeling of self-sovereignty as they move through the dating process.
So much of the anxiety women experience comes from the replay reel she watches in her mind (it never seems to be the “highlights” either).
Many people think anxiety is associated with an anticipation of the future but what I have found to be more accurate is, it is a response to the past.
The way we beat ourselves up last time has part of us (usually the inner Child) feeling apprehensive to be vulnerable… with ourselves, much less someone else.
This keeps a woman from being “herself” on a date and acting from real-time impulses because it will add fuel to her feeling of not doing it "right".
Because the feminine is more naturally inclined to desire to be seen as pleasing, the story that gets activated is often one of criticism.
This isn’t usually a conscious choice, but rather an instinctive response to situations that may have created an unnecessary risk to our survival (i.e. the unknown).
This is what makes dating so difficult.
Because there’s no way to predict the future, the whole process is one big unknown.
This goes against her deepest instinctual desire- connection.
The feminine is wired for connection and it is actually the reason she is beating herself up.
Alison Armstrong has a concept called the Perfect Person that sums it up perfectly- the most/best attributes of humans, especially women that become the mark we never measure up to.
Historically, the women that are the best/most pleasing in any moment, are less likely to be neglected and she stands a greater chance of survival.
Translation: the Perfect Person is worth keeping (feeding, sheltering, protecting, sharing with, etc).
The software in a woman's brain is often still running this program until she is able to intentionally upgrade it (not because she’s defective).
What a woman needs in order to halt the anxiety is to remove the feeling of inescapable judgment.
When she never feels like she is measuring up, it creates tension in her body that keeps her from fully expressing- both physically and as a result, emotionally.
In order to rise above this biological response to fear (fight, flight, freeze), a woman needs to feel approved of by the one that she deems most responsible for her sense of safety.
In many cases, this is a man.
I find that women seem to know, instinctively, that men are capable of protection, but she hasn’t figured out how to have that experience with any consistency and therefore feels unsafe *around* them.
Because men's and women’s instincts are opposite, they can be complementary or they can create division.
In order to move toward a sense of connection and having more of her needs met, a woman has to bring this source of approval closer to home- specifically internally by building a strong connection with her own Masculine energy.
When a woman learns to see her own masculine energy as capable and willing to support her, being kicked out of the tribe (not chosen on a date) becomes less terrifying.
It lowers the risk associated with rejection because she can still have the sense of safety and approval she instinctively needs to survive.
She does this by providing for herself the validation and witnessing that she needs.
Her Masculine energy (the objective part of her thoughts) is used to fill the need of the Feminine- being (emotionally) seen.
When the Feminine feels seen, even- and especially- when she is experiencing a strong emotion, she begins to feel safe and her body relaxes.
As she continues to affirm herself (usually the Child energy), she will realize that there are fewer times she feels at risk of being alone because she starts to believe she will be taken care of using her own Masculine energy.
When she is soft and relaxed, mentally and physically, men feel drawn to her.
They’ve always noticed her but she was never able to experience them because her anxiety was acting like an electric fence, never allowing them to engage with her.
Now that she is calm, confident that she can be with any emotions that arise, she doesn’t need the men that show up to be a certain way for her to feel safe inside and she can date more objectively.
She gets to ask for things she *really* wants instead of what she has seen as "possible".
Instead of staying with a man that doesn’t meet her needs, she is able to see it and trust that she will be “ok” if she lets that connection go.
This might result in a higher turnover rate initially as she’s sorting through potential partners to find one she feels most herself with but she doesn’t make that mean anything about her.
This is how she finds the man she wants, by observing her own stories and learning to be emotionally available to herself.
This is counterintuitive for many women (myself included for many many years) and it is now my area of expertise.
In my program Arise, I help women shift the relationship they have with their own masculine energy and therefore how they engage with men out in the world.
When she is able to feel safe internally first, there are few situations that bring up that feeling of generalized anxiety in dating because she trusts herself and is willing to take the risks authentic connection requires.
There are 4 modules that can be completed as a self-study course or in addition to 3-60 min coaching calls to clarify the information and tailor deeper healing to specific situations.
In Module 1 we gain clarity on the current relationship she has with her thoughts and feelings and how they are creating her experiences thus far.
Module 2 deep dives into the psychology of why she has a hard time trusting herself and where to focus on building trust so she can experience the feeling of being more secure. She will encounter her inner child in a deeper way- a way that allows more of her brilliance to be seen out in the world.
Module 3 uncovers the internal motivators of the Masculine and Feminine so she can learn how to empower herself from the inside out, and leverage more of her natural energy so others can begin to see more of her authentic self. This awareness creates a moment-by-moment intimacy that gives her the information she needs to navigate almost any situation more intuitively. Gain insight around where your “bags” got packed and begin creating supportive practices to release strong emotions and beliefs based on trauma to return to tenderness safely.
Having begun to soften and heal her inner wounds, Module 4 teaches how to honor the natural needs/expression of both the masculine and feminine. Learning to recognize and how to engage with other empowered people in a way that brings out the best of herself and those around her will further release the anxiety she used to experience in relation to others.
Bonus Module: How the Feminine Expresses. This is what is meant by "be yourself" This training is a culmination of how empowered Feminine energy (supported by her own Masculine) speaks to men differently- in a way that inspires them to help her in getting her needs met and create deeper ongoing intimacy.
The women that create the best results from this are highly empathetic and often experience intense anxiety when dating or beginning new relationships.
They have often done a lot of healing work but find themselves continuing to feel stuck in the same experiences or fears (usually this keeps them in shorter or shallower relationships that are ultimately unsatisfying).
They know they are capable of much more but have a hard time ‘staying the course’ to bigger levels of “success” and instead, they continue choosing “safe” relationships (guys they aren’t actually attracted to, jobs they’re overqualified for, or not putting their creations out in the world) out of fear of rejection.
When we partner together in her healing, I find this type of woman is able to experience a deeper sense of calm and integration of all the work she’s done previously.
If this feels like a good fit, email me (CSchandNutrition@gmail.com) “I want to get started”. I’ll make sure it’s what you’re looking for and I’ll get you connected with the materials right away.
