How Judgment Helps You Date

When a woman (anybody, really) enters the dating pool she often comes pre-loaded with judgments.

They are the voices in her head that steer her toward someone or away based on her perception.

It is instinctive, visceral, and usually, the last place she would think would be helping her find her “person”.

But what if this was where the magic happens?

What if this were her opportunity to find the best fit for her?

What a woman needs to do is learn how to *hear* her judgments.

Instead of turning her nose up at the sight of something that feels foreign or repulsive, she could allow it to be information.

In my experience, many women aren’t taught to use judgments correctly- either they judge themselves for having them, charge forward in spite of them (so she can avoid being labeled “judgmental”), or they use them as a shield, leaving them nearly invisible to the right men.

What she doesn’t understand is men don’t mind judgment.

Masculine energy requires a lot of judgment- they call it “decisiveness” and use it as a measure of stability when *they* are determining who to trust.

The more “judgment” a man displays, the greater his trustability (to the right people).

Judgment is highly polarizing, and to men, this is a good thing.

They call it confidence- being willing to hold your ground (in a healthy way) even when no one agrees with you.

It saves them time and resources they would otherwise use differently to increase their return on investment overall.

What they don’t want is to be the target of misjudgment- being perceived as inadequate, incompetent, useless, etc. (nor would anyone, I’d imagine).

As women, we perceive all judgment as harsh, because it’s experienced by the feminine as disconnection- the experience we try to avoid.

We are naturally wired - and try so hard- to be more accommodating and are often more open to different perspectives.

If a woman approaches judging as “trying to not judge”, which is what she will likely aim for if she's into personal development, she will begin to feel overwhelmed by the information coming at her and experience a sort of paralysis as her brain tries to sift through all the data (don’t worry, I’ll explain how to do this later).

Because she will often have her own personal judge riding on her shoulder, she will spend a lot of mental energy sorting her own experience, often presenting as socially ‘clunky’ or ‘judgmental’, pushing people away energetically.

This is where the dating space can be transformative.

She will constantly be presented with the opportunity to challenge her judgments.

They usually sound like “he’s not tall enough” or “he doesn’t come from the same background I do” (which usually means something different than she is even consciously aware of).

Her “goal” is to learn to trust her Judgement, not her judgments.

When a woman approaches dating as a space to consciously challenge her judgments, she actually learns to trust her Judgment more

As women, we call it ‘discernment’ or ‘intuition’.

Knowingly or not, a mature woman is always scanning the scene for what type of man will allow her to reveal more of herself, to be fully expressed.

Being in the presence of this type of man feels like acceptance and meets our need to be seen and safe for who we are.

This man, however, will only be found when she clarifies why she held the judgments in the first place.

The reason for him being a certain height may have more to do with her feeling safe in his presence than if she can feel confident wearing heels out in public.

And her need for him to come from the same background might have more to do with her confidence in her communication skills than who they will spend holidays with.

The non-negotiables become a way of excavating her own needs and desires that have been hiding just below the judgments.

This is courageous work.

She likely has not been confronted with her own vulnerabilities in this way, and yet in my experience, the more you are able to accept about yourself, the less “judgmental” you become.

This is when men come out of the woodwork.

Men are surprisingly sensitive to a woman’s energy.

No man wants to *feel* judged by a woman as not being capable, but plenty will opt-out when/if they know they are not a fit for her (men, especially empowered men, seem to know their limits much better than women- trust them).

The judgments she emits aren’t helping her because they are taking away the opportunity for a man to be a man in front of her.

He will be protecting himself *from* her instead of proving how many ways he can help her feel safe (even if she’s taller than him;p).

Similar to boundaries, judgments (which are like young boundaries) are meant to be moved inward as we mature.

While there’s a sense of visceral safety when someone’s judgments match our own, it doesn’t mean it’s truly the safest for us.

Often it means we will not be presented with the discomfort that comes with challenges but can also keep a woman stuck in the generational patterns she’s familiar with.

This is instinctive and takes a different style of listening to navigate effectively.

A woman must learn to *hear* values.

The Inner Child is attached to judgments because “she” will listen in a way that makes the difference personally.

“She” will sense an attack and launch a counter-attack by labeling it as “good” or “bad”.

But when the EM is engaged, the judgments of the Child are able to develop into the discernment of the Empowered Feminine (EF).

“He” is able to slow the reaction by creating safety for the Child (see last week’s post about how that happens).

The Masculine support of the Child is what allows the EF to Arise.

She doesn’t feel threatened like the child, because her sense of safety is not dependent on lack of conflict but on her own sense of integrity.

And in order to feel in integrity, she must use, refine and learn to trust her own Judgment.

In this way, she will actually be more open and available to a large array of thoughts, ideas, and beliefs held by people because she doesn’t get mired down in all of them needing to be adopted as true for her.

She will often find the more she is able to stay present to her inner experience, with the compassionate support of her EM energy, the connections she makes *feel* better, more authentic to her than before.

This inner validation helps her stay clear on what is True for her, relying on her Empowered Feminine energy to select a partner.

Instead of being “judgmental”- creating a hierarchy- she will be able to expose her heart, seeing the other person as having a heart as well.

This gives a man room and the information he needs to lead the relationship toward what she desires or step out of the way if he isn’t the man for the job.

Ironically, the men with whom she now *feels* safest and most attracted are commonly the ones she would have previously judged (timing is everything in the dating process).

Empowering a woman’s own masculine energy is critical to navigating judgment in dating.

This is counterintuitive and it is my area of expertise.

I support women in healing and empowering their own masculine energy in my 4-week transformational program, Arise.

The program includes 4 modules of content and practical strategies to heal the way she connects with masculine energy and is available in a self-study format or with additional 1:1 support so you can heal more deeply and have me in your pocket to translate what you’re wanting to communicate to a man.

Module 1: A brief intro to Masculine and Feminine energies in creating healthy relationship dynamics. Gain awareness around how your thoughts and emotions have been shaping your current experience with life, work, relationships, and romance.

Module 2: Learning to trust yourself again by shifting your relationship with the “parts” of yourself that will help you feel simultaneously more stable and expansive.

Begin identifying the voices of wounds within yourself and others. When you learn to listen for red flags, you gain discernment which prevents unnecessary reinjury and builds trust in your ability to intuitively respond to any situation.

Module 3: The key to feeling stable regardless of the situation is the awareness of “what’s happening” internally- developing moment-by-moment intimacy- so you are emotionally available to experiences you previously were not aware of.

Understanding the core drivers of the Masculine and the Feminine and the ways we cripple each of them internally so you can leverage their natural gifts to support your healing.

Gain insight around where your “bags” got packed and begin creating supportive practices to release strong emotions and beliefs based in trauma to return to tenderness safely.

Module 4: Knowing how to recognize and attract healthy partners is the key to creating the life you desire most. Learn how to move through the world in a way that brings out the best in both you and others so your dreams become a collaborative effort instead of a constant hustle. This starts with creating an empowering partnership with your own Masculine and Feminine energy by honoring the natural needs/expression of each in a way that supports your highest version of yourself.

The women that create the best results from this have often done a lot of healing work but find themselves continuing to feel stuck in the same experiences or fears.

They know they are capable of much more but have a hard time ‘staying the course’ to bigger levels of “success”- choosing “safe” relationships (guys they aren’t actually attracted to, jobs they’re overqualified for, or not putting their creations out in the world) out of fear of rejection.

They are the go-to support person to their friends and family and are generous with their time, resources, and energy and secretly long for that to be reciprocated but haven’t found a way to ask.

If you’re looking for additional support, email me (CSchandNutrition@gmail.com). Let me know what you’re hoping to get out of the program so I can make sure it’s the right fit and know how to best support you.

P.S. You may also like my free masterclass, “Why Speaking “Femininely” Doesn’t Work”- I shine some light on what might be keeping him from “stepping up” and the (mutually) empowering POV to create the healthiest dynamic possible. Simply let me know where you want me to send it (below) and I’ll get it to you right away!