When you've been Ghosted...

In the dating field, this is bound to happen… 

The feeling of putting yourself out there only to be met with how awful it feels to be the only one that shows up… 

Your stomach sinks.

Like you’ve been dealt a massive blow to your core… it feels hard to breathe…. Nauseating even. 

This is rare and yet it does happen… the experience isn’t less uncomfortable but I have some ideas to make it less devastating. 

If this has happened to you recently or previously, I feel you and I totally understand what you’re going through.

I want to share some tools and thoughts you may need to navigate with grace… 

First things first, feel the impact. 

It’s easy for us to take it so personally when these situations happen. 

To be reeling and in our heads to come up with a “reason why” this happened. 

“What did I miss?” 

“What is he thinking?” 

“Why did he do this to me?” 

“This always happens”… “I can’t believe it is happening again!”

It’s like a cacophony of blame swirling around you looking for somewhere to land… as if that will undo what happened and get you out of this feeling.

These are all valid thoughts and yet, what you’re needing to unlock is the emotions underneath that have been stirred into a dust cloud so you can feel better as quickly as possible.

We are taught from such an early age to think our way through things… that our logical brain holds the super power we need to lift us from this situation.

And yet I would invite you to consider that the reason you’re asking these types of questions lies in your emotional “brain”... the part of you that has a felt-sense imprint of being “here” before… left alone… terrified… unloved… and all the stories you’ve created to make sense of it however limited your ability was at that point in your life. 

This week I want to share what to do instead so you can stop reeling from this experience, feeling so awful, or beating yourself up . 

If you’re anything like me, people would say, “relax” and it only made me more agitated… I had zero clue how to actually do that when people would suggest it which made these tools revolutionary.

So when I say, “feel the feeling” here’s how- find it in your body… breathe down into your belly as you think about this situation. 

Notice where you feel a sensation in your body… Maybe it’s an ache deep in your chest… or nausea… or pain in between your shoulder blades. 

Just notice and breathe. 

Place your hand on that part of your body and focus all of your attention on it, keep breathing.

Notice if any stories come to you.

Maybe tears. 

Maybe a scene from your childhood… 

This may be quite painful so I’d encourage you to stay with it as long as you feel comfortable (it’ll always be there when you’re ready to do more with it). 

Place one hand on your heart and say to yourself, “I’m here”. 

As if that sensation were a small child that is frightened by a storm… “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere”. 

Notice if saying that causes any shift in that sensation. 

I’m convinced that part of what makes this situation so painful is feeling like you’re the only one in it.

You may be able to vent to a girlfriend but if you don’t have any new tools, it doesn’t quite scratch that itch. 

On a very subtle level, you’re calming your nervous system (that’s feeling like a dust cloud right now) which will actually go further when you do get around to venting to a girl friend.

Maybe most importantly, you’re showing up for you.

This is beyond huge when it comes to breaking this pattern.

You’re sending a loud signal to your subconscious mind that you show up for yourself- win, lose, or draw- and you don’t need to keep firing the mental stories that you’re all alone.

The more often you practice this, the less loud those stories will be blaring and you’ll finally be able to walk away feeling stable even if you’re disappointed.

I have a whole tool belt- more to come- to help you navigate this so you can feel back to your awesome self, fast. 

Write me and let me know what happened so I can share some tools specific to your situation that will help you feel stable in dating again and back on your way to happy ever after. 

XO,

Courtney