Stop "Compromising" in Relationships (and What to Do Instead So They Actually Work)

I’ve been trying something new in my relationship (I’m always doing research).

Context: I was feeling run down this morning and needed time to myself.

My man wanted to share something with me, that to be honest I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to be with.

So I shared my limit (“I don’t have space for this right now”)... and I felt hella guilty.

But I needed my own attention first if I was going to be helpful to him.

Fast forward to tonight when we were talking about how things played out in this situation and the opportunity came up to “make a deal” (s/o to Alison Armstrong’s work).

Normally I would listen and- in my mind- make sure the other person felt heard (very generous, right?😉) but I realized that’s not *actually* honoring my boundary (because the truth is I don’t want to have to be in that situation again, where I’m feeling tapped out).

So I said, “in order to do X, I will need Y, can you do that?”

He paused and made a joke about my negotiation but then he was totally into it.

We had a few rounds of this “what would you need to do ____?” and settled on something that I’d be happy to do and he felt relieved knowing how to get what he needs more effectively next time.

(If you want to learn about this check out Celebrating Partnership by Alison Armstrong, highly recommend it).

Neither of us was overpowered and now we both get what we need.

Speaking as a woman, the odds are good your relationships don’t need more “compromise” from you, they need more of You.

The skill many women need to be learning, especially if you have any codependency in your background is not to compromise but how to negotiate.

It may be semantics but “compromise” to someone that is breaking codependent patterns, will likely create a lot of guilt or resistance often causing them to be generous to their own detriment while “negotiate” will likely prompt images of a heated courtroom.

But relationships don’t thrive when you feel as though you are making concessions.

Women will do it, naturally, because they understand what is required to be in a relationship- give and take (the problem is, this makes them vulnerable to give unilaterally if they aren’t consciously receiving what feels good for them).

But when a woman learns how to negotiate for what she needs she is actually empowering her partner (romantic, professional, friend) and creating the next step for her as well.

Mutual growth is possible because both of you are getting creative about how to meet the needs of the other (and a moment of honest self-reflection).

When they don’t have this information (what she needs), they are left disempowered- this will play out as dragging her along or enforcing their needs onto her.

This is a brave way of approaching relationships and many women may resist it because it doesn’t *feel* very feminine, but what I can assure you is that men can *hear* it.

And when you’re wanting to build a healthy, polarized relationship, *his* understanding of what you need is the key to your happiness… so it does you no favors to not give it to him.

Give it a try next time you’re tempted to not ask for anything in return or need to set a boundary.

If you’re interested in learning about creating more effective, nourishing connections (with friends, coworkers, and potential romantic partners) I have a group version of Arise, my transformational program designed to help you shift the way you show up with men.

Because so much of how women try to get their needs met in romantic relationships are a mirror of their relationship to their own masculine energy (and often the relationship her parents had), healing this dynamic can free her up to receive support from herself and others in a way that expresses who she was always meant to be-the fullest version of her.

Instead of compromising with herself (which often leaves her feeling dead in the water when it comes to her creative projects/dreams), she can apply this simple negotiation strategy with herself and get clarity on what she *actually* needs to move herself forward in a way that feels authentic to her.

If you are a woman that is ready to shift from compromising to embodying your boundaries with confidence, I would be honored to host you in my women’s group through the month of December (Thursdays at 11:30am CST). The group coaching calls will include deep healing practices (this level of healing can clean up so much of the codependency we experience as frustration/loneliness at family functions) as well as practical support and strategies to navigate relationships of all sorts- including the family tension all the way to dating through the holidays.

Email (CSchandNutriton@gmail.com) me “group” if you have any questions, I’d love to make sure it’s the best fit for you and get you started right away with my holiday pricing.

To less compromising of yourself,

Courtney 🥂