What to do when resentment builds up
It’s pretty intuitive that you can’t build a relationship on resentment.
But when resentment sneaks in, what are you supposed to do about it??
This is a really great question to ask on the tail end of family gatherings.
Often the resentment is steeped into the way you think, speak, and interpret others’ responses, even the most empowered women can get mired down in their wounded energy in the right setting.
This will have her reeling in discomfort even if there wasn’t an obvious reason.
The answer, surely, is “boundaries” but before we can even expect boundaries to get set, it's worth releasing the tension that’s actually making them more challenging to set.
When there have been wounds, it will be almost impossible to set boundaries from a grounded, empowered place because the information you need will be buried beneath minor infractions you wouldn’t think to “heal”.
When a woman doesn’t heal these first (and I don’t mean talk therapy for years on end, going all the way back to childhood) this will be the version of her that is going to be speaking and enforcing the new way of being which will- in my experience- trigger the child of the other person when they might otherwise hear you with respect.
So, in order to set the people up to *hear* your boundaries, coming from a grounded energy/tone can go a long way.
And to get there, it is important to first honor the experience you had.
This will be counterintuitive, especially if you are naturally more “rational” (note: denying your emotional reality “they didn’t mean X”, “it’s not that bad”, etc. may help you temporarily not explode but it’s very different than staying grounded AND feeling your feelings).
This doesn’t mean you become emotionally explosive but it does mean acknowledging the full range of the impact emotionally.
It might look like tears, fast movement (to release energy quickly), boxing, holding yourself, etc.
This is important because so many women are conditioned out of their instinctive responses (which is sometimes good because hurtful things can’t be unheard, but I do believe they can be healed- even if it’s just for you) and all the unexpressed emotion needs it’s “day in court” as one of my teachers called it.
Often the sensation we are most avoiding is the one that is keeping this story active in your mind/nervous system.
In my experience, if you can have someone else (a friend/coach) echo your experience with empathy it is super powerful (i.e. I’m sorry you feel ______ because [brief version of the story]).
The point of this isn’t to ‘vent’ or to find validation (this is what makes it a little more advanced) but really to sit in the sensation while it’s being acknowledged.
When we can sync up the body and the emotional experience, the visceral release is almost instantaneous.
Try it 😀.
*This* sensation will often feel quite uncomfortable which is why it needs to be released from the body so it is no longer being pushed under our awareness.
This will allow the body to animate where it may have otherwise been “stuck”.
Like fizz bubbling up from the bottom of a soda bottle, the pressure will naturally release and you will feel more grounded in your body.
This grounded animation is what will have people see and *feel* you instead of you feeling invisible/unheard.
When a woman can release the tension that’s in her body, preventing her from speaking her truth in real-time, it will make formulating a boundary that much easier next time.
This can be tricky to do on your own especially if the tendency is to "see another person's perspective" (so generous and it comes AFTER this step), I’d be honored to support you in this process and teach this in my transformational group program, Arise (we start this Thursday!)
Email me “group’’ if you’d like to join a group of women that are learning the art of empowering relationships through the month of December! I’ll get the content to you right away.
To Less Resentment,
Courtney
