If you feel like you give more than receive in relationships, this is for you
Last week I shared that anxiety is two-fold, part of it is survival energy trapped in your body (traveling in your nervous system)...
The other reason anxiety often pops up is because we are facing an opportunity for more congruence.
More “us” to be represented in a situation.
If you’re like me, it can feel a little scary to think about being seen even if it’s your deepest desire.
This is especially true when it comes to what you perceive as conflict in a connection.
I see this so often with other women, and I’ve made a lot of progress in this but I used to be there too: to shy away from speaking up when they feel uncomfortable and that a boundary of theirs is being/has been violated.
The reason this happens is because of a pattern learned early in childhood; it is often subtle but very confusing.
The pattern that gets started is usually a result of needing a parent, being completely dependent on them actually, for your well-being and survival.
On a nervous system level, we need other people to help us learn how to regulate (to create calm or clarity internally), especially when there are strong emotions or experiences that can otherwise overwhelm our capability- the definition of trauma.
If a child perceives that a parent's emotions are not contained (through the support of the other partner or adults in their life due to mental illness, lack of support, or work demands), the child will begin to co-regulate with usually one of the parents more than the other, taking on their emotional spillover in an attempt to calm the tension that is being experienced.
In this dynamic, the child flattens into a mirror for the parent.
I was taught to think of emotion like ions before a storm.
The ions are already in the air, but when they build up enough energy, they are needed to neutralize, a bolt of lightning happens when they connect and sends all that electricity into the ground (or the tallest object that is connected with the ground).
This is how the nervous system works too, all this charge that is looking to be neutralized.
When families are emotionally healthy, the parents act as the lightning rod for the child’s emotions, available to help the little one discharge the big emotions by allowing them to experience a grounded presence.
But in families that do not have this awareness (this is relatively new information so many people didn’t know this unless it was modeled for them), the roles reverse and the children naturally take on the role of the lightning rod for the parents.
It is a very generous role they play and yet to be done effectively, it requires a lot of awareness.
The front of the brain houses the emotional regulation system (necessary so they can remain two separate entities and connect simultaneously) and physically is the last to develop.
This makes it easy to create a short-circuit in a child’s emotional experience, where all this “charge” gets recirculated into their nervous system until they are able to discharge it. (note: this isn’t often done intentionally, it’s something we seem to intuitively understand since we all need Connection to survive).
But what happens when their child grows up is they continue to behave in a way that is consistent with this initial patterning and they act it out as a form of loyalty to their caregiver (unbeknownst to them).
Burt Hellinger uses the Family Constellation Theory to refer to this as a “blind loyalty” that is inherited between generations.
When they are faced with conflict (as it registers to her) she draws on the program of how to respond and experience the short circuit which usually renders her speechless or frozen even if she wants to say “no” or “this doesn't feel good to me”.
It is a natural part of the feminine to be adaptive and yet it can be very easy to become overly adaptable and many women can feel as though they are “losing themselves” in a relationship.
This is why.
During the formation of the relationship, boundary lines are being drawn and if she has been wired to short circuit when she perceives anything different than herself, the other person (this isn’t always done with malice) can be stating their needs but creating a relationship dynamic that isn’t taking into account the truth of what the other partner needs.
In order to resolve this, the partner that most often feels underrepresented needs to experience their own power.
This can only be done by retraining the nervous system to “hold” charge by learning to ground yourself as you titrate to larger and larger “voltage”.
Of course, we still need other people and often this is most effectively done with a coach so it can become a new practice in your other relationships.
But this is the way to experience more congruence- the inside and outside are in harmony.
I share this because, in my own healing process, masculine energy is a very grounding presence.
I’ve had the opportunity to build resilience and self-reliance from therapists and mentors that lent their masculine energy to me.
I’ve since attracted friends and partners that can do this as I continue to build reliance on my own and I’ve seen these patterns become less and less overwhelming and automated.
The masculine energy (the rational, prefrontal cortex part of our brain) is the part of us that is able to witness strong emotions and stay sturdy so they can be discharged in a healthy way (talking with someone, taking action, setting boundaries, etc).
When a woman is able to feel this in her body and learn to use her masculine energy (her thoughts, presence, and nurturance) in support of her feeling stable and grounded, she is able to enter into deeper partnerships with those around her.
She will be able to contribute more intimacy to the dynamic because she is not experiencing a shutdown response, making it more satisfying to both partners.
Instead of always being the lightning rod for others, she is able to shine on her own accord.
As I understand it, healthy adaptation can only happen in an empowered way- through an actual conversation in which you intentionally discuss a solution that feels right for both of you.
What I encourage clients to do is to practice these micro confrontations (speaking her preference) in small, low-risk ways.
What I have found is that since men and women have masculine energy, beginning to practice speaking from a state of congruence will allow the masculine energy in other people to help correct the backflow of energy in real-time.
Instead of continuing with the experience of the early patterning, revealing what she actually wants/needs will give her a new experience to integrate.
Her nervous system will feel what it is like to have more of her desires heard and considered which validates them for her.
As she is able to experience this validation, she is effectively learning to validate herself as well and this begins the transformation process from within.
As a woman learns to allow more masculine energy to support her, she will feel more empowered in speaking up for herself.
This happens internally and is mirrored back to her externally.
The grounded feeling she will experience will create the new blueprint for future relationships because she will only stay where she feels seen and heard.
This is counterintuitive and this is my area of specialty.
I teach more about the relationship we have to our thoughts and feelings in my transformational program, Arise.
I have a whole module dedicated to creating a healthy connection between your thoughts and emotions so you can experience a difference in your relationships. (i.e. How to interpret emotions with less judgment and how to react less to our thoughts)
This provides the foundation for emotional regulation and deep healing that can correct relational patterns that may have generations of traction behind it. In addition to this, we explore how the effect this generational pattern may have had on your general view and sense of safety around men and your ability to interpret, and trust, the signals your body gives you (sometimes we need to re-regulate them to “hear” them correctly) to allow for a more empowering experience in finding a partner.
Having learned these skills myself, I have been more able to enter conversations that used to terrify me with a greater sense of ease and clarity knowing I was able to feel safe within myself. I am excited to share this information. It is available here on self-study. Or if you would like deeper support in this area, hit Reply and let me know what type of support you’ve tried so we can build a plan that will create the most clarity for you to move forward.
P.S. If you haven't yet, feel free to check out my free private Facebook community where you can meet other women that also want to learn and grow (they can offer support and friendship and celebrate your "aha"s).
