The Stages of Dating
I loved reading all the thoughtful comments and well-explained opinions on my post the other day.
I asked the people that follow me Do you need to give feedback when you end things with your date? (assuming you’ve been on a few dates or connecting for less than a month).
The themes I gathered were: the people that wanted to know seemed to be using the information as feedback for possible growth whereas the ones that did not want to give or receive feedback felt it to be too personal and/or would simply move on to find a better fit.
The truth is, there’s a lot of nuance to this and neither route is “wrong”.
While I encourage people to trust what feels right to them, I also have found tremendous growth from doing what doesn’t come naturally.
It really depends on what phase you’re in in dating (at some point the “rules” get turned over).
As I’ve seen, there are phases of dating-
Self discovery (figuring out what you like/don’t like, this informs your empowered boundaries)
Growth (this helps deepen self-awareness and strengthens your relationship skills)
Partnership (this is the most empowered form of dating, as you are quite clear about what you want and are willing to release that which is not in alignment so you can have the best chance to grow as a couple each having their own needs and experience).
I wonder if this feels accurate to those that answered differently on the post.
When a woman is in the Self-discovery phase of dating, I would encourage her to give feedback because the goal of this part of the process is to increase transparency with others. To this woman, I would say start by stating what you want and be willing to be surprised.
Often women in this phase come in with their masculine energy facing outward, like a shield over their heart, and need to practice exposure (guess what the best place to practice is… connecting with other humans).
As a woman accepts a few dates, she will have data for her intuition to use to discern what is a “yes” and what is a “pleasant surprise” versus a “no”.
This gives her an opportunity to see men differently- maybe for the first time- from a lens of humanity and compassion instead of distrust or pity.
A woman in the Growth stage will know she’s there because she is actively seeing how men offer her opportunities to grow as a person- new ways to express herself or aspects of her personality are revealed, positive reflection when she does stretch her comfort zone, and share new thoughts and perspectives she hadn’t considered before.
The main skill this woman needs is to learn to separate feedback from being actionable.
She will do this with genuine curiosity about what they are *trying* to communicate (hint: usually about them and their perspective) and she will have more bandwidth for this because her inner child (the part that will react to feedback with upset or avoidance) is under the watchful eyes of her masculine energy.
It seems to be true that for many feminine energy women, we would not want to know why because it is so easy for us to focus all of our judgement on that aspect- our masculine energy turns on us- and we dissect and even “do the work” to change ourselves.
This made more sense when I learned from Alison Armstrong that on a biological level, criticism is actionable when more estrogen is present.
This will happen in your body without your conscious awareness.
A woman in this phase may be more open to giving and receiving feedback because her own masculine energy is- at least more than before- focused inward to her own wellbeing.
This is what gives her the confidence (because she is aware) to speak up for herself in this phase because she has created a healthier relationship with her own masculine energy.
This is what it means to have your own back.
When you are looking for a good fit- one where you feel you can be the best, most full version of yourself- it is incredibly empowering to start noticing what works for you.
I remember hearing a video by a teacher that I would later study under (shout out to Leigha Lake’s magic) asking “how do you feel when you’re with him?” as one of the least considered- and most important- qualifications for a date.
I still think that’s brilliant to ask, because as you move out of simply trying to survive (often based on trauma in the body, feeling unsafe with certain emotions, and unsure how to set your life up to support you) you will experience more positive emotions and have deeper and deeper needs met with ease.
It’s as though the switch flips and you start setting your life up to work for you instead of the other way around.
At this level- Partnership- you are looking for a sustainable way to keep thriving.
The most effective way to thrive is to focus on what feels good and ask for support from others (who can meet your needs and feel good doing it).
This is where much of what I write about speaks from.
When you understand yourself from the inside out, you are able to start bringing your dreams to fruition.
As a woman shifts the dynamics from which she’s been relating- from the masculine energy on top, keeping her small under all the weight and self-criticism she’s picked up to one where her masculine energy has that same part of herself on his shoulders to see the world with joy and sparkle her- way lights up.
The Next Steps keep appearing and she bravely moves toward them, man or no man, she intuitively knows she is expanding and is able to receive more and more support externally.
She actually spends less time “setting boundaries” because she is so relaxed about the outcome, she simply speaks her mind (it will sound kind and firm, don’t worry) and the best outcome is enroute.
Tbh I haven’t found a way to do this that didn’t include some field work (if not dating, speaking to people in a new way) so you can learn what “yes” feels like in your nervous system and what “no” feels like (this is when it can be powerful to have outside support from a mentor who can help you if you need to recalibrate these due to previous experiencing clouding your intuition).
From the paradigm of partnership, it is normal to experience win-wins in relationships that used to feel like a power struggle.
This is where people- especially good men- want to be around you simply because they are seen and appreciated and *this* inspires them.
A woman is able to give and receive feedback because it feels more like a redirection than a personal attack.
And multiple possible outcomes are available.
… she simply shows up to the party and gets swept onto the dance floor.
This is why it is so important for women to have a healthy relationship with their own masculine energy because if she does not develop the clarity on what is helpful to change and what is that person’s preference, she will change herself to fit relationships instead of finding relationships that fit her and who she wants to become. Trust me, I spent a lot of years trying this approach.
There is a specific shift that happens between phase 1 and 2 and 2 to 3.
A woman will find it more difficult to seek guidance from her friends, especially if they are not familiar with partnership which has her behaving counter to what would help her because it is what she (and most women) knows.
It is counterintuitive and guiding women into the next phase of relating is my specialty.
When a woman is feeling stuck in what she knows, it usually means she is ready for the next phase (should she choose to reveal more of true nature) and the step between the current phase and the next feels like the grand canyon.
This is why I built my transformational program, Arise: the Art of Empowerment, to help women navigate these phases of dating.
Each phase comes with unique skills, mindset shifts, and healing.
And yet each is equally beautiful in her process to reveal her authenticity to the world.
I am hosting a group through the holidays- a time of year when your step into the next phase typically becomes most obvious.
I would love for you to join if you are a woman that is desiring loving partnerships in dating (romance) or with family, friends, or coworkers (nourishing connections).
The women that get the best results are in the Growth phase and are ready to Arise into the Partnership paradigm and are open to support from other women.
This information is available via self study year round but my holiday offer includes:
The 5 modules +4 weekly calls through the month of December (beginning Dec2)
A private FB community to bring your dating questions, boundary situations (ikyk these come up when family gathers), and receive empowering feedback and supportive connections (that in my experience go far beyond the program).
As a fun holiday bonus, if you enroll before Nov 26, I’m including a dating profile makeover (or 30 min clarity coaching if you’re not online dating) so empowered men see the real you.
If this is the type of support you’re looking for this season, I would be honored to have you. To get started, email me (cschandnutrition@gmail.com) me “group” and let me know what stood out from this post. I may ask you a few questions to make sure it’s the best fit and send you all the information so you can unwrap the content right away.
You may also like my free Masterclass, “Why Speaking ‘Femininely’ Doesn’t Work”. There are distinct biological differences associated with embodying more masculine or feminine energy. If it seems like your partner can’t hear you, even if you’re using “feeling messages”, drop your email below- I made this video for you.
