Can you recognize your patterns in the early stages of dating?

The simplest “trick” to getting a different outcome is awareness. 

This is true whether you’re wanting to change your eating habits or find a partner. 

Most people consider these little quirks “normal”, or “part of our personality”, but if it isn’t moving you toward the relationships you want, there may be some more to uncover.

The subconscious part of our brain is shaping our behavior based on all of our experiences thus far and is using all that data like an artificial intelligence program to scan the scene for the highest chance of our survival. This may be helpful in not having to re-learn how to drive a car each time you buckle in, but often becomes problematic when it comes to interpersonal experiences… Especially the early stages of dating and other intimate relationships when excitement can mute our better judgment.

For example, when a woman feels stuck in her love life, she may be aware that she is not able to allow herself to warm up to new men but unaware of why. She has a habitual interpersonal response (*She’s not “broken” or unattractive, and she doesn’t need to change herself to find a man*) that is keeping her from feeling safe to reveal her heart honestly and authentically. 

This pattern can play out as nitpicking dates, shutting down in difficult conversations, or even believing she can’t have a healthy man and X (not lose herself, connect with her family, pursue her career, etc.)

The patterned response will block her from seeing what is underneath her own behaviors, like the gut instinct she has around certain people, a tension she experiences in specific situations (often that she associates with a previously uncomfortable one), and even memories buried deep in her subconscious mind from the interactions she had as a young child.

What she needs most is not more awareness (often she is very aware of herself) but rather a new level of awareness.

Instead of being self-conscious, which is often an attempt to protect herself from criticism, she needs to see herself as she truly is… the way others experience her (this is often much more positive than the interpretation happening on a subconscious level). 

In order for her to shift her experience on purpose, she has to acknowledge and create safety for the part of her that is most fearful (the inner child/subconscious mind).

This will help her feel grounded in moments of uncertainty (the feeling that often causes a downward spiral). 

And often, the grounded feeling is what she is trying to create without knowing it. 

For example:
💄When she is nit-picking a date (very different than discerning if he is a good fit for her), she is often wanting to feel secure in being chose-able, and creating a hierarchy in her mind reduces the vulnerability inherent to dating. 

💄When she (this is very common for men too) goes off-line in moments of increased intimacy, she wants to feel seen fully. She wants to know that revealing her most authentic self will not result in irreparable damage to her emotional needs being met.

💄When she gets hit with the belief that it’s not working/possible for her, she wants to feel like she is worthy and capable of creating the life she desires even in the face of experiences that have been mutually exclusive in the past. 

What she needs is to feel the support from beneath her, shoring her footing and elevating her to a new level of awareness. If she could see how amazing she is (something she her inner dialog will convince her of), the pattern would seem unnecessary. 

This is the way the child in all of us operates. When the ground feels shaky, it puts effort into trying to create a sense of stability.

Part of emotionally mature relationships is being able to show up authentically. This means being able to ask for what you need to feel sturdy or think of healthy strategies to provide that to yourself so it doesn’t undermine the connection. 

The problem is this takes some practice for most of us and is especially counterintuitive if you haven’t experienced this being modeled. This is what I teach in my programs Arise and Rooted. 

The first phase of my system is always increasing awareness because this is what helps my clients naturally shift out of their old patterns. They simply recognize the outcome they are currently creating from employing their usual pattern which elevates their perspective to make a subtle shift- creating an opportunity for an entirely different outcome. They spiral up.

It will feel like magic✨

When men and women can approach the dating pool with more inner security, they give the (potential) relationship the best possible chance of formalizing. Because they can naturally cut through the drama, they more easily discern who is a good match to continue building a connection and what boundaries they need to be setting to continue feeling stable as they move closer to someone else. 

I have 4 spaces available this month in my most popular program, ARISE to learn how to recognize your own patterns (how your subconscious mind has been running the show) and how to shift them internally so you can continue moving toward healthier love. 

Together, we will spend 4 weeks increasing your awareness and simultaneously shifting your most common patterns (on deeper and deeper levels) in relating so you can feel empowered to make the healthiest, most aligned choices for you.

In Module 1 you will get clear on your own experience- what’s been creating it and what triggers your downward spiral so you can begin moving in a more expansive direction instead.

Module 2 will give you clarity about why you’ve struggled to trust yourself and which “part” of you to trust so you can stop undermining yourself (and creating an imbalance that leaves you feeling less secure when meeting new people).

Module 3 will empower you and help you sort through your “baggage” easily so you can integrate the wisdom you need to release your typical patterns. This information will help you begin shifting your relationship to men at large so you can approach dating with an open (and discerning) heart- which men can sense. 

Module 4 helps you understand the differences between men and women so you can intuitively know what is included in dealing with another human vs red flags that will cause unnecessary hurt (aka how to know what does and doesn’t work for you). This will help you identify people who are capable of partnering with you in any relationship context (romantic, work, friends, etc).

As a bonus, I include a module about what is “normal” as a woman so you can start working with what is hardwired instead of judging yourself for it. (Hint: the less self-judgment you have, the more space you will create to bring healthy people toward you).

This intensive 1:1 program is designed to give you the information, support, and deep inner healing you need to shift how you show up to relationships across the board. When you begin shifting how/with whom you engage, your relational trajectory can transform quickly. Many of my former clients find a new/more empowered partner within 3 months (on average) of shifting this type of awareness. 

If this feels like a good fit, check out Arise (my women’s program) or Rooted (my comparable men’s course) to get started. If you have any questions you can always send me a message, I’m happy to make sure it’s the right fit for you!

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